Chapter 206 – Season 2 Arc 2 Start – Packing up

 

“I want you to leave this house in a presentable state!” Lydia shouted her command, herself wiping off the living room table.

“Yes, yes.” Momo raised her book as Lydia mopped by, helping just as much as she had created dirt since they had changed to this house.

“I just got here yesterday, so it’s pretty much exactly how I fucking found it.” Thana had her feet on the coffee table.

Sitting to her right, John tapped away at his phone, playing a mobile game against his girlfriend. Rave, in turn, lay on the couch, her head in his lap. For a moment, he took his eyes off the screen to carefully inspect what Thana was doing with her naked feet. “I fixed that table for you.”

“Yes, and?” Thana said and drummed her hands on her naked thighs. It was impossible to get her to wear more clothes than the robe and the leather bikini, which included a vehement denial of socks and shoes. “Want to fix it a-fucking-gain? If you are bored, that's certainly something I can do for you. I like breaking shit.”

John didn’t answer that. Instead he asked something that made him curious. “You are no longer in constant pain, right?” he asked.

“Well, existence is pain because I have to share it with so many fucking mongrels who deserve to have my fist so far up their ass that I could use them in a puppet theatre,” Thana answered, “Physically, no, I am not. Thank fucking god, if the shithead exists. Which he doesn’t – or she, whatever.”

“Then why are you still cursing all the time?” John wondered and made the mistake of glancing up from his phone for a moment, a moment of weakness, which Rave used to start a combo which he was then locked in until she would mess up on the rhythm of pressing the buttons.

“Because, you CPU, it is fun,” Thana simply stated, “And I have like 70 years of curses to catch up on.”

“CPU? Why am I a processor unit now?”

“It stands for Complete Pervert Unit, dumbass,” Thana giggled at her own joke. She stopped suddenly and then glared at a random point of her armrest.

“Ya really need to stop doing that,” Rave commented, still executing her combo. Her skills at most video games weren't all that great, she played for fun, but in rhythm games John couldn’t hold a candle to her.

“Doing what?!” Thana exclaimed.

“That whole ‘randomly reacting to things nobody else can see’-thing. Does not present a good case for ya sanity,” Rave answered.

“That combo is bullshit,” John complained when his character fell to the ground, defeated. “Infinite combos are bullshit, let’s play something that’s actually balanced.”

“Fuck off, there is no good case to be made for my fucking sanity,” Thana cursed at Rave.

“Ya still should try getting it under control. What game are ya thinking of?” the techno-lover lowered her phone to look up at John.

“Don’t know, how about quiz duel?” he answered.

“And face your ginormous trivia brain? Nah,” Rave outright denied.

“The faces are going away anyhow,” Thana informed them, the two conversations effortlessly intertwining.

“Really? That sounds good,” John said, “but how come?”

 “No idea, maybe it was something wrong with my brain that the masked cock-muncher fixed when he revived me. Before they used to just be superimposed on every surface and annoy the shit out of me, now some of them just pop-up and say stupid annoying crap.”

“His name was Herman by the way,” John corrected her.

“I know, what a dumbass name. Herman, Herr Mann, that’s literally mister man. Germans are stupid.” Thana lazily wiggled her toes.

“Says the girl that took Newman as her last name,” Rave commented and gave Thana some seriously pissed side-eye. “Still not cool by the way.”

“Ah, quit your whining, seizure hands, it’s a good name,” Thana said and, cackling maniacally, bowed over Rave’s head. “Ya fucking mad cause I took it before ya?” she mocked the techno-lover.

“Ja, now go annoy somebody else, you have way too much energy,” Rave flicked her on the forehead and Thana, acting like that had actually hurt her, backflipped from the couch.

When she landed on the floor a vacuum cleaner hovered towards her. “You can get right to making yourself useful instead,” Lydia said and glared at all of them, “Lazy bunch. I suddenly understand why so many rulers go tyrannical, with subjects like you, dictatorship is the only way!”

“Aaaawwww, don’t be like that Lyly. You’re already a fucking tyrant, no reason to become even worse,” Thana said, after catching the vacuum cleaner, and looked at the thing in her hands like it was alien machinery.

“You are making me regret my decision to extend my hand in friendship to you,” Lydia mumbled.

The smile on Thana’s face fell instantly. After a few moments of silence, she mumbled, “Fucking dumbass can’t do anything right, stupid cunt…” She shook her head. “Fine, what does this do?” She kept eying the vacuum.

A shadowy mist at Thana’s feet provided the answer. “It sucks really good,” Siena mused, materializing next to the manic blood mage.

“Oh yeah? So, it’s a blowjob machine or what?” Thana answered, confused.

Siena giggled, “I like you.”

“Careful, that means she wants to cut you,” John shouted from the couch, choosing a character for the next round of this game he was bound to lose in.

“I actually do not,” the nightmare elemental informed John. Now it was his turn to be confused.

“Come again?” he asked, “I thought your whole shtick is skewering people.”

“A gross oversimplification of my… ecstasies,” Siena softly sighed, “I only wish to show those that are happy that they bleed like everyone else.”

“By violently murdering them,” John drily commented.

Siena shook her head, “Violently? Master, you should know that I am very skilled with my hands. Erotically would be a more fitting word.”

“I would like to test that claim, but there is no way in hell that I am going to let those claws near my balls, unless I need a shave,” John said and got a laugh from Rave for that.

“Ya pervert,” she said and lightly punched him in the side.

“Why yes, but I am YOUR pervert,” John answered.

“Ya never get tired of saying that, do ya?” Rave mused and threw her phone on the table, “Gimme a kiss, my perv.” John happily obliged.

“That is all fine and interesting,” Lydia said dryly, “but could someone please explain to Thana how to use that vacuum cleaner? I need to order my paperwork for transportation.”

“Fine,” John sighed after no one else answered.

“No fair, my pillow!” Rave complained when he wiggled away from under her and got up.

“Finally, at least some of you plebeians are doing something,” Lydia’s iron voice didn’t show a bit of actual happiness and she whirled around, leaving for her room. It occurred to John that they had maybe teased her a tad too much.

John went over to Thana who still turned the vacuum cleaner in her arms. The appliance was the size of her torso, but that did not stop her from handling it like it was a Rubik’s cube. “Okay, the fuck is this and what does it actually do?”

“It is called a vacuum cleaner, and despite Siena’s bloomy language…”

“You mean her fuck-speak?”

“…it does what she said: It sucks in dirt and dust from the ground,” John answered as he got closer. “So, first thing we need to do is put it down,” John said and was promptly rewarded with Thana dropping the thing straight on the ground. “…a bit gentler would have been better, electronics in general don’t like a lot of shaking,” he added. “This one seems to be sturdy, so it should be fine.”

“Okay, noted, what now?”

“First we take this cable,” John said and pointed at the black cable sticking out of the bottom.

“How? Thing is way too fucking short,” Thana said.

“Just give it a tug… a careful tug,” John suggested.

The blood mage squatted down, grabbed the wide end of the cable and then had the torn end of the cable in her hand faster than John could say the word ‘gently’. “Whooops,” Thana raised it towards John, her dark red fingernails, made from clotted blood, rising sharply from her pale skin, “was that important?”

John silently reprimanded himself. He should have expected all of this to be a rather daunting task, after he had seen the spoon she had used to eat soup. The poor thing had been bent and squeezed all over. The plate hadn’t gotten away much better, being full of scratches (indicating that Thana had actually eaten more than a bit of porcelain). Generally, everything she touched broke.

“Yup…” John said and, patiently, took it off her. “You really need to be careful with that inhuman strength of yours.”

“Shit REALLY, asshole?” Thana growled, then collapsed into an apologetic whisper. It was weird to hear her voice be soft, considering her usual cadence, “Please, give me a few days, I’ll try to figure it out.”

“As long as you keep trying,” John tried to be encouraging.

“Don’t give me that pep-talk shit, I am more than four times your age, I just need to get this under control.” Thana was immediately back to her usual aggressiveness. She watched as John repaired the cable with Craft. “Just tell me what I need to do until I succeed, I can take more verbal abuse than you could dish out in a fucking lifetime.”

“Okay, give it a very soft tug,” John specified after the machine was in order again. Thana still completely overdid it but the cable stayed in one part this time.

“Now I have to plug it in, right?” the blood mage asked.

“How do ya know that part but not what a vacuum cleaner is?” Rave asked from the couch.

“I just do, okay?! I have a lot of bullshit in my brain I can’t quite wrap my head around and stuff is crazy.”

“If you would be so kind as to not annoy Thana too much, that would be appreciated,” Siena added, “she has had a rough life.”

“Fucking thank you,” the blood mage cried out and rammed the cable into a nearby socket.

“Mhm, how about thanking me via fucking?” Siena suggested.

“What? Screwing another girl?” Thana looked disgusted, then confused, last she laughed loudly “Why the hell do I find that weird? Sure, let’s fuck someday.” Siena chimed into Thana’s cackling with giggling of her own.

‘These two getting along is slightly unnerving,’ John thought, but he wasn’t alone in that. He heard the line spoken, in unison with him, by a shy voice. Gnome had uttered the exact same words as he thought them.

‘J-jinxed!’ she then stuttered and giggled cutely when John actually fell silent. Not like there were a lot of sounds he would rather hear than Gnome laughing. ‘Uhm, you can talk again now, please,’ she told him after the silence drew out and got awkward.

‘Thanks, anyhow, while it is a bit… let’s say dangerous, for those two to get along, I would be happy if they had each other’s back,’ he told Gnome, ‘Siena is socially able, but a murderous nightmare elemental, while Thana is socially a wreck, but at the very least she tried to get along with us. Maybe they’ll cancel each other out?’

‘Or,’ Salamander chimed in, ‘We get two nightmares on legs, both social wrecks, trying to murderfuck you.’

‘Don’t worry,’ the unexpected voice of Undine said, ‘Siena won’t try to influence somebody else into killing you.’

John blinked, ‘You hang out with her?’

‘Yes,’ was all Undine had to say before leaving the conversation again.

‘Ah, well, if Miss Serene takes care of it, it’s probably fine,’ Sylph blabbered. ‘Totally fine, yep, yep, no reason to worry. I also like Siena, she plays catch with me. Like, yesterday night, we went into the empty room next to yours and jumped around for half an hour. It was cool!’

‘That’s just her training for the day when she can next try to stab John,’ Salamander informed her.

‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat, nooooooooooooooo,’ Sylph exclaimed, ‘Silly Sally, Siena even said: You like to play hard to get? Let me try to sharpen my claws on you.’

‘And what exactly do you think ‘sharpen my claws’ means, you airhead?’ Salamander shouted at her.

‘Something about lesbian sex? 'Cause that’s what we had after training and it was awesome!’

‘You are a tiny giant idiot!’

“Hello? Are you fucking home?!” Thana asked John and pulled him back into reality.

“Yes, sorry, was preoccupied. What is it?” John returned a question.

“I plugged the blowjob machine in, now what?” the bloodmage gestured at the vacuum cleaner.

“Oh, you press the start button,” John said and pointed at the area in question.

Cautiously, Thana reached for it with one finger. The plastic broke and she punched right through, the machine staying deactivated. “For fucks sake, do you build everything out of goddamn paper!?” Thana cursed and pulled her hand back.

“Nah, we build it with people in mind who can control themselves,” Rave commented.

Thana just growled, but the dots in her eyes stayed still, which was an easy way to tell when she was just messing around. The quicker the golden dots rotated, the more agitated Thana was, generally speaking, exception being when she was using her powers, then they spun so fast they turned into a circle.

John repaired that button as well, thankfully it was simple plastic and all the parts were still around. Craft’s cost shot up the bigger the destruction was, but also the more of the original item was missing. There were also points at which Craft simply didn’t work anymore.

“Okay, try again, but gently,” John warned her.

“Yes, yes,” Thana said and waved him off. She put her whole palm on the machine to try and spread the energy. The button was pushed and the roaring of an old vacuum cleaner on full energy blasted through the room. John only saw a shadow flying by his face, accompanied by a panicked scream. Then, the crash.

“What was that?” Lydia rushed back into the room. What she saw was her vacuum cleaner in thousands of pieces lying underneath a dent in the wallpaper. “My propert-“ she was about to complain when her eyes fell on Thana.

The blood mage was breathing in short bursts, dots rotating at a fast pace. Cowering on the ground, she held her ears closed. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,” she kept repeating that one word, until John carefully put a hand on her shoulder. Thana froze, her whole body tensing up, then she looked at John. Patiently, he rubbed her back and waited for the dots to slow back down. “Sorry… it just came unexpectedly,” she apologized, once the panic attack had subsided. Her eyes rested on the mess she just made, a piece of the wall's plaster crumbling off, “I’ll clean that up.”

“You’ll do no such thing,” Lydia stopped her. “It is evident that you lack the proper control of both physique and mind.” Rubbing her forehead, she continued. “It is my mistake to believe you would be capable of this to start with. Still, we will need to work on your mental state. We cannot have you go shellshocked in the middle of battle.”

“You can’t compare battle-Thana with day-to-day-Thana,” the blood mage defended herself, “the former knows what she is doing, the latter was literally born yesterday. I would never lose my cool like that in a fight!”

“The problem remains, however,” Lydia said and vanished into the kitchen. She returned with a bag of crisps.

Then she pointed at the table. “You will sit down and try eating these,” she commanded. In a ridiculous scene, that John was low-key making a mental photo-series of, a Prussian princess told a Nazi experiment to sit down at a table to eat crisps.

‘My life is completely weird,’ John thought with a smile as Lydia ripped open the bag for her. Thana looked inside.

“And what exactly is the point of this?” she asked.

“My aim is that you will eventually be able to look after yourself, so first we teach you how to control that stupendously high strength of yours. If you can eat these without breaking them, that is a success,” Lydia explained.

Thana reached into the bag and by the time she pulled her hand back, the pile of crisps had already turned into potato dust, which then fell on the freshly cleaned table. “Hey!” Momo complained, some of the pieces landing on the pages of her book.

“Sorry,” Thana quickly apologized and tried (and failed) again, and was left with miniature crumbles in her palm. “Guess this is really fucking necessary… how do these taste anyhow?” She threw the destroyed parts into her mouth. Her eyes went wide as the delicious taste of crisps in all of their unhealthy goodness filled her mouth. She quickly chewed them down. “Food is awesome!” she exclaimed as she went for more, “How did I never… well I know how I have never tried this, I was a potato myself, just like these chips I have now been refined into something way fucking better!”

“That almost sounds like you are thanking the Nazis,” John dared to joke.

“Of course I am not, you ass-clown,” Thana glared at him, the dots turning slowly. “If I had the choice of exchanging these powers for a normal fucking life, I would take it before you finished talking, but I will have to live with this shit, right? Or do you happen to know a god of time or some shit like that?”

“Nope, but even if I did I doubt Gaia would let that fly,” John answered, “But you are right, nice to hear you have a positive outlook on things.”

“Positive outlook, my ass is a positive outlook,” Thana cursed as another crisp crumbled between her fingers. In John’s personal opinion, her thighs were the most eye-catching part of her, but that was neither here nor there. “I am halfway convinced that the anal queen over here will pull out her NSDAP membership card at any moment.” It only took a blink’s time for her aggressive mood to wither away and leave behind an apologetic, stuttering mess. “S-sorry about the vacuum c-cleaner again…” another chip became just a mess of crumbles, “…and the table.”

“Let the cleaning crew worry about it,” Lydia said, fidgeting with her braid, “that is what I pay them for.”

“Wait?!” Rave exclaimed, jumping into an upwards sitting position, “There is a cleaning crew? Why are we cleaning then?!” The princess looked at Rave with such utter contempt that the techno-lover hid behind the armrest of the couch, peeking over like a cat that believed itself in trouble.

“You haven’t cleaned a single thing yet,” Lydia reminded her, words like a hammer on an anvil, “That aside: Discipline. Good German discipline.”

“And this is where I expect you to throw an armband with a star on it at me,” Thana commented with a mouth full of crumbles.

“A love of one’s country does not make one a nazi,” Lydia reprimanded in a stern tone, “and I refuse to entertain that thought.”

Thana answered with the Polish version of ‘whatever’, which John only knew because she used this word a lot.

‘Note to self: Learn Polish,’ John thought, learning a language took him little more than a month, he probably could do it in a week if he tried, at this point, so he might as well. ‘Should also add Japanese to that list in the future,’ he added after looking at Rave.

“Anyway, so there is a cleaning crew… guess I am going back to gaming then,” John said and walked back over to the couch.

“Are you going to never clean-up after yourself, John Newman?” Lydia folded her hands behind her back and simply beheld him judgementally.

“Nah, I have Aclysia for that, right Aclysia?” he timed that question with the guardian appearing in the doorway to the living room.

“I am happy to take care of all of Master’s dirt. All I require is love and maintenance,” Aclysia answered with a respectful bow.

“Maintenance being physical love,” John explained, even though nobody was wondering. “I come to report that all of the upper floor has been cleaned and the luggage is ready in the entrance area,” Aclysia then stated.

“I might marry ya to just get Aclysia bound to me as well,” Rave joked.

“Would not blame you, she is the best,” John agreed. Aclysia blushed a bit at the compliment, but stayed quiet and maintained a straight face.

“She seems pretty neat, can also slash well,” Thana said, scratching her neck. “I still remember that time she cut my head off.”

“She cut… your head-off?” Lydia asked, bamboozled, “I thought you died by turning into a red mist.”

“Dust, apparently. The head-cutting happened earlier in that fight though. It grew back on, go figure,” Thana answered.

“Excuse the question but… if cutting your head off didn’t kill you, what does?”

“Evidently, not even death kills me, so how the fuck would I know?” the blood mage said, “and I wasn’t even at full strength then, I was working on fumes.”

Lydia’s furrowed eyebrows betrayed that she had more questions, but she looked at her watch. “I am only five minutes ahead of schedule, I don’t have time for any more delays. If you lot want to be pampered by the workforce instead of working for yourselves, so be it,” she announced and walked back into her own room. “We leave in an hour!”

“Aclysia, do we still have some food that needs to be taken care of?” John asked.

“We still have some ingredients in the fridge that I could make a stew out of, however the allocated time wouldn’t be enough to prepare and eat it in peace, Master. May I ask for you to place these ingredients in your inventory? It would be a waste to let them spoil.”

John shrugged, “Sure, I have the space.”

“If you do crave a meal at this very moment, we do have the travel rations or I could make an omelette, we have some eggs.” John didn’t want to eat any of the food Aclysia likely had put away already, so he took the omelette.

Aclysia bowed once more and went into her domain. John finally sat down and, a moment later, Rave placed her head in his lap, where it belonged. They started that stupid mobile game again, which was stupid because Rave kept winning, and soon the match request was accepted.

“We sure came a long way from doing this stuff in your room,” John commented when he was locked in getting infinite-combo’ed again.

“Tell me about it,” Rave giggled then raised an eyebrow, as she felt John unzipping her pants.

“Whaddya doing down there?” she asked, unwilling to look and potentially lose her combo.

“Just using a trick that helped me win in the past,” John said and used Possession on her panties. Then he started vibrating them, the same way one made their vocal cords hum. A surprised moan and Rave lost the combo. John never got a chance to capitalize on it though.

“Oh, now ya did it!” laughing, the techno-lover threw her phone away and grabbed John’s shoulder, a moment later he was lying underneath her as she was straddled over his crotch. “You’re a bad boy, ya know that, tiger?” she purred, fidgeting with his pants.

“It’s part of why I am so charming,” John said and laid back.

“Can’t you do this upstairs?” Momo complained when they undressed.

“You heard Aclysia, she is done up there. You want us to undo her work?” John told her.

Momo’s resignation entered his spirit. “No…” she meekly admitted.

Thana concentrated on not breaking the crisps between her fingers.