Collide Gamer

Chapter 221 – Derp

“Seriously!” The supreme deity pointed at John with all the intensity that her rather small frame could contain. Considering the still open gash in reality behind her, that was quite a lot. “I go and check on the dimensional borders, make sure no Lorylim spill into the elemental planes, and when I come back, I find that you have finished Achievements you have no business having done yet! Explain!”

John blinked at the finger in front of his nose. He hadn’t been this close to Gaia before. She was really pretty small – barely bigger than Sylph.

“I can hear your thoughts!” Gaia warned him. “Think something more complimenting!”

At their side Lydia cleared her throat, causing Gaia to turn her head. “What do you want, Lydia?” she asked.

“I would just like to express what an honour it is to meet you,” Lydia said with a slight bow. “Please excuse me that I missed the opportunity to do so last time.”

“Uh, yeah, something like that,” Rave said, having slowly inched herself behind the deity. Rave took a thinking pose, contemplating what she saw. “Tiger, we gotta break up.”

“Huh? What, why?”

“’Cause ya wanted to threaten that that ass was flat and that’s just a crime. That’s like absolute perfection at the bottom of a petite body. Hey, Gaia, ya wear panties?”

Gaia had been preening at the words, then the question hit and she blushed. “Wha-“ She shook her head, sending her turbulent green hair into a tumble. “Are you serious?! Get a grip!”

“I agree with Gaia, that question was entirely unfounded,” Lydia said.

“Okay, but, like, she looks like Tatsumaki and everyone is always wondering if that girl is wearing panties,” Rave spoke her mind.

“If by everyone you mean your obsessed One Punch Man clique,” John mumbled. The comment went ignored.

“Okay, A,” Gaia scolded his girlfriend, “I don’t look like Tatsumaki, Tatsumaki looks like me! Just so we are clear on that! B, if you have to know!” The four strands that made up the skirt of her black, form-fitting dress flew upwards until they revealed innocent white panties. “There! You happy?! Perverts!”

Momo pinched the bridge of her nose, “The supreme goddess and she is showing my creator her panties. What is this, the rapture?” Seemingly, that comment made Gaia snap out of her ranty haze, and the strands fluttered back downwards.

“Hmph,” she turned her head away from the distraction that was Rave and towards Lydia. “Denied!” Gaia answered an unvoiced question. “Deal with your problems, princess. I have neither the time nor the interest to get involved in your business. Live by my rules, and we won’t have a problem ever. Now shush”

 Lydia’s mouth snapped shut, and she bowed deeply again, “As you wish, Gaia.”

“Back to you!” Gaia’s finger was back in John’s face. Even closer this time. The supreme deity hovered slightly off the ground to get in his face. “Tell me what happened before I buff the next boss to the level of the Warlord and have you fight him 1vs1 as payback!”

John was confused why he had to explain anything to an apparently omnipresent entity that could read thoughts. The answer landed a moment later anyhow. “Wuhu, that was fucking awesome. Killing things is nice, none of that feeling bullshit. Anyhow, hi Gaia,” Thana greeted the green-haired deity off-handedly.

“What are you doing here?” Gaia asked with a raised eyebrow. “The fuck do you mean: what are you doing here? You saw me coming back to life, you idiot!” Thana asked.

“I mean, why would you help this nerd here? I thought that I could leave you alone because someone as damaged as you would just laze around and watch sitcoms all day!” Gaia told her.

“Oh yeah? Well, evidently your omniscience is pretty fucking bad. I owe the fucker; least I can do is beat up some troll-dolls. Speaking of which, you have hair like one!”

“Mighty rich coming from someone who looks like her favourite drink is bleach!”

“Try-hard loser!”

“Dumb masochist!”

“Flat-chested kid!”

“Like you are any taller! Your eyes are the literal glasshouse you are sitting in right now!”

“What is my life?” John asked the sky as he watched the sassy deity and the cursing blood mage throw insults at each other. For some reason they were both panting when they finally came to an end of their shouting match.

“Dumb sod, just do what you came to do and fuck off!” Thana finally demanded.

“Maybe I will, you try-hard edge-lady! Hmph!” Gaia answered, and they turned their back at each other, both pouting. At this point, John had a violent headache. Rave was giggling though, and a certain someone in John’s shadow continued to laugh.

“So, I can’t have you mindlessly abuse the system like that, that’s the definition of too easy!” Gaia told John, who was cross-eyeing the finger that was, once again, in his face.

“Okay?” he asked. “So, are you going to take away my levels or what?”

“No, taking away rewards already handed out is a pain, I don’t feel like dealing with that! I will be a gracious goddess and allow you to keep that stuff.”

“Even the unlimited dungeon access?” John asked.

“Was that in there? Sure, whatever,” Gaia waved off. “The old system is outdated anyhow.”

“That reminds me, were those Achievements pre-written?” he wondered. It was the only explanation he had how he had gotten them without Gaia noticing in the first place.

“Yeah. What? You think I have nothing better to do than watch you all day? Is that what you think of me, you low-life nerd?!” Gaia blasted off on him, her gestures outraged.

“I didn’t say anything like tha-“

“You listen to me! I will blast you into the stratosphere if you annoy me again! Now go and do your grinding thing you skirt-chasing…ehm…” she was struggling to find an insult, and that fact seemed to embarrass her more than showing off her panties earlier, “…skirt-chasing…” her eyes fell on Aclysia, “sad excuse for a waifu builder! Other John’s can do that way better! Now, excuse me, I will go do IMPORTANT things!”

Reality folded, and Gaia was gone. John got a window a moment later.

“Well, good news, the change doesn’t mean I have to get Thana out of the group. Bad news, you can no longer punch stuff, or I don’t get experience.”

“Urgh…I will just do like Undine and stand around uselessly then.” Thana spat out; “Fucking Gaia, ruining my fun.”

“Don’t worry, you can still beat up stuff later,” John told her with a smirk.

Thana blinked, “Explain, jackass.” “This only says I get reduced experience from stuff that you killed or fought. It doesn’t say it no longer counts for Quests,” John was letting that hang in the air for a moment in case Gaia was listening and now hot-fixing that with a burning hatred for all things exploitable. She remained quiet, however, and no new windows popped up.

“And you have some Quests that I can help you with by punching things?” Thana asked.

“Absolutely,” John said but was interrupted in his explanation by two more windows appearing.

The earth trembled under John’s feet. ‘Okay, so what now?’ he wondered when the mountain top in the distance split in twain. No, it didn’t split, John realized. It was just that an enormous beast was shaking off dust that had gathered on top of its wings.

Twice the being flapped its wings, and the dust that scattered created a cloud through which John’s eyes could not spy. His ears, however, picked up the sound of the being taking flight.

A majestic emerald sparkle on its scaled body, the mythical creature, a dragon, bridged the distance at an enormous speed. The golden spikes along its back glistened tremendously in the sunlight as it landed in the arena and reared its mighty head as it roared a single word: “PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS.”

“What is my life,” John wondered again as everyone else around him assumed their fighting position. He explained, and they relaxed with confused faces. Dargon lowered his snout, his eyes, big and googly, looked expectantly at John, his mouth open and tongue hanging out like a happy dog.

“I want pats, pat me,” the derpy dragon spoke in a rumbling voice that just didn’t fit his playful tone.

‘Events are weird,’ John thought and raised his hand, patting Dargon on his nose that was bigger than John’s head.

“I have been pat, I approve. I want more pats,” the event boss spoke.

Now the giant head reared over to Rave, “Pat me, pink-haired one, for I desire more pats.”

“Sure, buddy,” she said and patted the side of his head; “You’re big. Man, this is cool. John, I am patting a dragon! Your powers are bullshit!”

“Yup,” John replied, too dazzled by today’s events (and it wasn’t even noon) to deny any such accusations.

“More pats,” Dargon moved on to Gnome and the rest of the elemental quartet.

“U-uhm, please tell me if I am patting too strongly,” Gnome said and shyly extended her hand.

“Good Mothers in the planes around, just fucking do it,” Salamander said and, in her big form, pat the derpy dragon together with her sister. Undine, unsure what else to do, also chimed in, and Sylph landed on top of Dargon’s head and patted him with her teeny tiny hands.

“Multiple pats, I approve, but I want more pats!” Next in line was Lydia. The princess raised an eyebrow but, with utmost festivity, extended her hand. Dargon blew a bit of air from his nose in a disapproving manner. “Pats are not to be done with sternness but with glee, pat me with true enthusiasm!” he demanded. Lydia’s eyebrows almost met, but then she relaxed and patted him like one would pat a dog. “Much better, but I remain unsatisfied.”

Dargon stared at Thana. Thana stared back. “Can I kill it?”

“No,” John told her. Guy dropped no loot if they killed him.

“I could do it,” she said; “Just one punch and BAHM! Dragon innards… okay, maybe more like ten for this guy.”

“Punching is not patting. Pat me,” the derpy dragon commanded. Thana glanced pleadingly at John.

“Just pat the damn dragon!” he demanded. With a sigh Thana put a hand on the dragon’s head.

Whether she simply disobeyed John or actually slipped in her body control, she smacked down on his nose so hard that the whole snake-like winding of his neck bobbed. “Whoops,” Thana giggled and continued, gentler.

“Harsh pats, but pats nonetheless, I will take them,” Dargon relented.

Momo just did it without being asked. She looked like she just wanted this to be over with. Dargon’s head went back over to John. He sniffed at his shadow. Siena’s hand came out and landed on his nose for a single pat.

‘Tsk,’ John heard Siena click her tongue, ‘I wanted to cut him. Your commands remain as strong as ever, Master. Mhm, we could have so much more fun if you just allowed me to do with everyone as I pleased.’

‘I doubt our definition of fun is even remotely similar, Siena,’ John answered; ‘Outside of the bedroom, at least.’

“One more pat, from the beautiful one with the white hair,” Dargon said and positioned its head in front of Aclysia.

“I am most happy to be of service, great Dargon,” Aclysia said with a bow and used both hands to give the derpy dragon the best patting she could give.

“Yes,” Dargon purred. Hearing a dragon purr was a weird experience. Then again, Nathalia liked to do it.

‘Speaking of Nathalia, I wonder when she plans to show up again,’ John thought as Aclysia continued to pat the dragon. As he didn’t tell her to stop, she went over to the side and scratched him under his chin. It took a while, but eventually Dargon said, “I am now satisfied, thank you, cute one.”

“I live to serve the needs of my Master,” Aclysia said with another bow, “this was, therefore, my pleasure.”

“You have passed my test. You win this fight. Take from my hoard.” In front of John spawned a bundle of money and a dagger. At the same moment, John noticed a distant whistling in his ear.

“Am I getting a tinnitus?” he wondered and rubbed the base of his ears.

“No, I hear that too,” Rave said; “Really unpleasant noise.”

“Thank you for the pats. I will now go sleep again. See you around,” Dargon said his goodbye and turned to fly back to the mountain. The whistling got louder. It reminded John of the noise of falling bombs or airplanes.

An explosive impact ruptured Dargon’s body. The dragon was torn apart, as something landed where its body had been. Once again, the earth trembled, much stronger this time. The giant body of the dragon became a cloud of ash and dust that robbed John of his sight. He struggled to remain standing. The shockwave disappeared quickly.

And in the heart of the cloud, a pair of obsidian wings were wrapped around a body within.