Chapter 263 – And merry Christmas

“Let’s give out the rest then,” John said, after Thana had calmed down. The blood mage had dissolved the illusion again, feeling more comfortable in her own skin, but kept on the scarf. Increased regeneration luckily included getting rid of reddened eyes rather quickly, so soon nothing of the emotional breakdown remained. Aside from the occasional blush and happy scarf cuddling, anyway.

Thana and Rave sat next to each other without any second thoughts, a warming sight that was best maintained. John took upon him the job of handing out the gifts. He grabbed a random one and checked whose name was written on it. It was a rather small box, the size of a booklet or something like that. “Here you go,” John said and handed it to Lydia.

The princess transformed her rapier into a short, sharp knife that she used to methodically cut open the paper at the taped points. The result was that the wrapping was pretty much completely unscathed. She threw the paper into a trashcan next to the low table (they had relocated to the couch) and looked at the simple box in her hands.

She opened it and furrowed her eyebrows. Inside was a butt-plug, the hard-rubber kind, a tube of lubricant and two vials of the mithril-mercury alloy that Lydia used to boost her strength. “Jane insisted,” John raised his hands in defence as the princess glared at him furiously. “I bought the vials, thought you would prefer something practical.”

Lydia’s grey eyes, burning with anger as hot as smelting iron, wandered onto Rave. Together with Thana, the techno-lover was laughing about this. “I thank you for your gift, John,” Lydia said and sealed the box again, putting it aside. Without removing the butt-plug and throwing it into the trash, as John noted.

“And here is the next gift,” the Gamer said and handed a middle-sized, cube shaped box to Rave. The techno-lover took it and impatiently ripped the cover off, revealing over-ear headphones behind a plastic window. They were the same colour as her hair (well, a shade darker, it was hard to get the exact same colour) and had decorative cat ears that could be used as speakers if needed. Lydia had attached a new mp3-player to the package.

Compared to what other people got today this was incredibly cheap. All of the items were largely mundane. Sure, the headphones had their audio quality enhanced by magic and the mp3-player may have been sturdier than an old Nokia, but it wasn’t a giant leap in price compared to the base stuff. Modern technology did approach (or exceed) magic in several aspects.

Rave didn’t care about the price whatsoever. “This is super cool!” she announced and checked the playlist, “and you even installed my music archive already! Thanks!” Rave put on the earphones and looked at John, “Better or worse than my actual cat ears?”

“Different,” John dodged the question, then answered truthfully as his girlfriend gave him a light kick to the knee; “Okay, okay, the actual ones are better, but these are cute as well. Wait, let me take a picture.” Rave struck a little pose, raising a hand in the victory sign next to her cheek as John’s phone made the clicking sound of a camera. He showed the resulting picture to his girlfriend. “See, the advantage of these is that you keep your pretty blue eyes,” John commented; “Whenever you go into cat girl mode, you have copper eyes.”

“Ya saying I am not pretty with copper eyes?” Rave played the angry girlfriend with a wide grin.

“I am saying that you are prettier with that pink light dancing in your eyes,” John flirted and leaned his forehead against hers to look deep into said lustre; “It’s flimsy, it does what it wants, and it shines bright in a sea of beauty, just like you.”

 Rave laughed, “That is so corny, where did ya get that line from? Dating tips for nerds?”

“I don’t need dating tips, I have found the best girl already,” John said and kissed her.

“Mhm,” Rave hummed afterwards, in thought. “That kiss was better than the usual ones.”

“I am trying my best,” John assured.

 “Can I complain for a moment how many fucking blue-eyed chicks you have around you?!” Thana forced her way into the conversation; “Like seriously, they are supposed to be RARE, yet you have 4 of them here.”

“Four?” John wondered, “I count Jane, Nia and Lydia. One of which isn’t part of…” He stopped himself and looked over to Lydia.

“Your harem, yes,” the princess waved off. “Nia won’t tell anyone, right, Nia?”

The blank blonde had said nothing since her short exchange with Thana earlier and was just looking over the happening with emotionless eyes. Slightly unnerving, especially if her eyes rested on one person for an extended period of time. However, so far, John had no reason to believe that she was anything but weird. That didn’t mean that he was lowering his guard quite yet though.

The memory of what happened with Victoria was an eternal reminder to not trust anybody before they gave him any reason to or had proven themselves over time. He had met Nia yesterday, so he was holding back on providing more info than what Lydia told her.

“Not if you don’t want me to,” Nia answered.

“Okay, just so we are clear, everyone in this house is regularly sleeping with John,” Lydia told the pariah.

She nodded, “Okay.”

“And I don’t want you to leak that information to anyone, under no circumstances.”

“Okay.”

“Under no circumstances whatsoever, it wouldn’t be good for my reputation.”

“Okay.”

“Are we clear on all of this?”

 “Oka-Yes,” It sounded like Nia hadn’t been listening that intently, and the fact that she was scratching Copernicus behind the ears was only strengthening that impression.

“What do I want from you Nia?” Lydia asked, to make sure.

“I can’t tell you, under no circumstances am I allowed to leak that information to anyone ever,” Nia answered.

“Are you that fucking dense?” Thana wanted to know.

The blonde blanked twice, “I was requested to not talk about it, so I don’t.”

“I think she got it,” Rave said; “By the way, fourth blue eyed girl here would be Undine, or not?”

“Ehh,” John made an unsure sound, “Would you say she has blue eyes? I mean, she is made from blue slime, that’s like calling her blue skinned.”

“What the fuck ever,“ Thana said, “she has blue eyes, end of discussion.”

“If you insist, in that case there are four beautiful blue-eyed girls here,” John shrugged and grabbed the next present.

“To comment on this, my eyes were brown before I fused with my other half,” Lydia let them know.

“Good for you, anal queen,” Thana yawned. The dismissive tone was clearly not appreciated, but they just moved on regardless.

The next present went over to Nathalia. The dragoness took it with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t remember agreeing to be part of this useless tradition,” she said.

“Ey, we didn’t expect ya to bring anything,” Rave informed her. “We just thought it would be nice if you weren’t left out.”

“Also, you did bring that Turkheir thing,” John added.

It was a book about the world’s greatest restaurants. Nathalia opened it with only a hint of interest, but the more she read, the more genuine it became. “I thought you might want to catch up with the times by eating some good stuff. I originally wanted to give you earrings, but I thought they would just break or something.”

“I can’t wear too many things on this form,” Nathalia informed him. “They would indeed be destroyed upon my transformation into my true self.”

“And to remind you, I still owe you,” John said.

“I haven’t forgotten,” the dragoness grinned hungrily as she turned a page. “You will find out what I desire in due time, John Newman.”

“That totally doesn’t sound ominous,” Rave commented.

John grabbed the next package, it had his name on it. He unwrapped it and found a phone inside. He turned it in his hands, like the one that Thana had gotten, there was no logo anywhere. Neither was there one when he booted it up.

The speed with which it did that was astounding though. “Seeing as ya have little time to spend on your PC these days, we decided to get ya a better phone to play some games on that aren’t ‘filthy casual’,” Rave told him.

“Nice,” John said. He was typically too busy with grinding to spend time on gaming these days, which was a shame. What little pauses he allowed himself didn’t last long enough to get more than a few rounds of Hearthstone in. Especially with the abysmal loading times his old phone (which really was just a normal one with an upgrade to have internet access within barriers) had.

“I also had it arranged that this one has an eternal coverage for phone and internet and is largely protected against tracking devices. You may have to replace it in case you have an incredibly skilled Technomancer on your heels, but other than that, you should be safe,” Lydia further informed John, who was busy taking over the four numbers from his old phone he cared about.

That done with, he reached the next package, one of two he had personally wrapped and signed and therefore knew who it was destined for, to Aclysia. The guardian seemed adequately surprised by this, looking at the package for a solid five seconds before an urging gesture from John caused her to take it.

“Has been a real pain to shield that knowledge from you for the past days,” John grinned as she unwrapped it. What came out was an incredibly thin but sturdy, long dagger. Of a radiant silver, even more wonderful than her salver, the weapon looked like it was cut straight out of a sheet of metal and then was sharpened at the upper half. No guard, no decorations, just a thin piece of metal with a softly curving tip that broadened downwards, being about twice as wide as the grip it bordered.

The only exception to that was the end of the dagger’s handle, which curved upwards, creating a rim roughly a finger wide. “That’s about 5 percent Mithril,” John explained as Aclysia was marvelling at the silver, clearer than the real metal even; “Lydia provided the majority of the pay.”

“I am infinitely thankful, your grace. Of course, to you as well, Master,” Aclysia said.

John grinned, “You haven’t seen all of it yet, let me show you.” He took the dagger from her and held it. To him, the grip was uncomfortable. It was too thin to grab onto correctly, but for Aclysia, who could change the form of her hand accordingly, this wouldn’t be a big problem. It would also prevent the weapon from being greatly practical if enemies got their hands on it somehow.

He changed how he was holding the dagger, now pinning the grip between his thumb and the side of his index finger, like one would hold a credit card. Within a splinter of a second, the dagger did the physically impossible thing of fanning around its tip, without getting any thinner, and forming a circle. A silver tablet, round in form and with a rim to hold onto.

If John really tried he could see individual segments on the Mithril salver, but they were like lines between rows of masterfully put up wallpaper. One could only see them if one really searched for them. He handed the salver to its new owner. Aclysia took it with a moved expression.

“It transforms based on your thoughts, so be careful. It won’t cut off your fingers if they are in the way of the salver circle, but still,” John explained; “Also it's yours, eat it, keep it, whatever you prefer.”

He imagined that Mithril, being pretty rare, probably tasted really good. It wasn’t a crafting material, so Aclysia wouldn’t gain any consumption bonuses from it, but he was just pointing it out. He didn’t believe for a moment that Aclysia would actually eat it.

“I could never!” the guardian confirmed his belief; the salver disappeared in her hands as Aclysia put it into the last of the three slots of Adaptive Bladdery. It was, after all, technically a blade.

“Now, Momo, catch,” John announced and tossed the support’s present across the table, as she had curled up in one of the armchairs.

She caught it with her forehead, having been absorbed in the book she was reading. “What the heck?” she proclaimed, “You can’t shield your thoughts from me and then expect me to catch things! I am the one with the lowest Physical Stats here!”

“He did shout at ya,” Rave said as Momo, rubbing her forehead, put her book aside to pick up the box that had landed in the gap between her chest and angled legs. She turned the thing, inspected it for a little bit in search of where it was sealed and then simply undid tapes one after another until she was left with the open present.

“Mhhhhhhhm,” Momo hummed as she looked down at her present. It was an e-reader. “No!” she exclaimed and closed the box, picking up her physical book again.

“Momo!” Aclysia cried out. “That is very disrespectful.”

“Nothing comes between me and my paperback books!” the support exclaimed, hugging her current novel like it was made out of pure diamonds. “I love them!”

“Can you love them in data format, please?” John pleaded. Over the course of today alone, Momo had finished 5 books, three of which were criminal mysteries, one was about history and the last one was advanced magical theories (which, for a change, actually belonged to John).

A fact that John greatly disliked was that he could only absorb certain books. Books that described a certain spell or ability. For example, the book about Mana Blade, which had been solely about the knowledge one needed for that skill and nothing else.

On the other hand, books that were about theories, like a textbook about biology or this one about magical theories, he couldn’t absorb. From a balance standpoint, it was pretty clear why that was the case. If John could just absorb whatever book he touched, he could just clear out a library or something and become all-knowing (or pretty close at the very least).

That wasn’t part of the current problem though. Momo’s constant book devouring meant that they were stacking everywhere. It wasn’t an unsolvable space problem at the moment, but it would be in a week. Therefore, John had hoped to just hand her this e-reader as a Christmas present and thus have the problem solved with her getting a present.

He did not expect her to be this attached to books. Thankfully, he had a highly effective argument. “If you leave more books everywhere, Aclysia will have to keep cleaning after you. You don’t want to waste your sister’s time, do you?”

“Urgh,” Momo made a noise between disgust, defeat and annoyance as she picked up the e-reader again, “…It just doesn’t feel right.” She complained, about to drop it again.

“But think about it, you can load this up with hundreds of books and easily take them with you when you fly around!” John tried to convince her further.

“Yeah, well, I can put around… 20 to 30 books in my inventory,” Momo defended her position.

“How long are those going to last you? 3 days?” John asked. “Also you will be at the mercy of whatever bookstore you can find where you are afterwards, and you will need to get rid of them. This one saves all of them, and you only need access to the internet.”

“But what if the battery runs out!”

“You can charge it with mana, we thought of everything.”

Momo looked at the e-reader again, “…FINE! I will try it, but if it’s worse than paper, I will instantly switch back!”

“That’s all I could ask for.”

“I sadly have nothing prepared for you,” John said to Nia, who slowly shook her head.

“That is fine,” she said. “I am having fun.” John, despite there being no indication whatsoever of it being true, believed those words. Why wouldn’t he?

“What’s there for us, tell me!” Sylph exploded into the conversation. All elementals shared that sentiment, they didn’t believe they were going to be left out, and John had no intention of proving them otherwise.

“Ah, I was struggling with that, you girls seem to have bought pretty much everything you want with your allowances already,” he let out an overdramatic sigh. “So I almost didn’t find anything for you. However, just this morning, I found something.”

That Class Level had gone straight into Elementalist, and from the Perks he had been offered, he had selected one that got his elementals to be what John wanted everyone around him to be. “I gift you with freedom,” John said and, realizing that was a bit ambiguous, specified. “Freedom of movement, I mean. The new Perk I got allows you to get up to 500 kilometres away from me and still maintain a stable connection. Being in other Illusion Barriers will mess with that though and I think you still can’t leave them on your own.”

“That’s… pretty far away,” Salamander said.

“Yeah, that’s like the other side of the planet!” Sylph agreed.

“It’s not even close to that far,” Siena giggled, “but far enough to engage in mischief and delights.”

“You are staying around me,” John narrowed his eyes at the nightmare elemental; “The rules stay in place until I trust you. Which I don’t.”

The shadow spirit hissed but kept her mouth shut. “B-but, if we are that far away won’t that be bad for you?” Gnome asked. “Also you had to skip some good combat stuff for that, or not?”

“It was mediocre combat stuff at best.” John shrugged. “Also, you can teleport back to me, has a three-day cooldown, just like Aclysia’s teleport. I think there are enough combat applications for that.”

“B-but…” Gnome spoke up again, she stopped when John raised his hand.

“Look, all I want for all of you is to be happy. I don’t need you to be around me all the time, and I can imagine that you would like your privacy as well every now and again. This is all about enabling you to choose to be away sometimes. Again,” he looked from Siena, to Sylph, over Gnome and Salamander, finally stopping at Undine, “I just want all of you to be happy.”