Merchant Crab

“Good day,” said Balthazar, standing behind the man as he rummaged through the contents of his cart.

The traveler began turning. “Howdy there! What can I help you with… today…”

His words trailed off as he scanned his surroundings with a confused frown, until his eyes lowered to the crab’s level, and he jumped in place, startled.

“It’s you!” the man exclaimed.

“Last I checked… yes, I am me,” Balthazar replied.

“Hot damn! I knew I’d find you again some day!” the stranger said, smiling from ear to ear. “The famous merchant crab!”

Please don’t be another crazy fan. I swear, if this guy starts undoing his overalls and asking me to sign something, I’m going to start running and telling Blue to smoke him.

“Have we met before?” the merchant tentatively asked.

“We sure did!” the other said. “I was too out of sorts back then to realize who you were until later, but we met at a crossroads weeks ago. You were looking for directions to a dragon, I believe? You had a young man with you, blond, with a bow and arrow? Where is he anyway? Sold him already, I bet!”

“Oh, Rye. No, we just… took different paths for the time being, that’s all,” the crab said, his eyes dropping to the ground for a moment before suddenly jumping back up in realization. “Hey, wait, you’re that guy that told us about the village being burned to the ground by a dragon!”

“Ah, ha ha, that’s it!”

“Which turned out to be a lie, because there was no dragon attack at all,” Balthazar said.

The man’s smile dropped from his face like a rock thrown into a pond.

“Instead, the fires started because some scammer drove through town claiming to be selling ‘smokeless’ torches that were actually just regular, very flammable torches,” the crustacean added.

The traveler’s face was turning white as chalk and he gulped audibly. “That sounds awful. Who would do such a thing?”

Balthazar crossed his arms. “According to the villagers, some guy wearing a funny triangular hat and pulling a cart.”

The incredibly innocent-looking man threw a glance back at his cart and then quickly pulled the tricorn down from his head and held it against his chest, revealing a balding dome atop his head.

“Couldn’t have been me,” he said, hunching down meekly and speaking in a subdued tone. “I am but a humble trader. A supplier of fine goods. An honest merchant, just like you! Triangles are just a very popular hat shape these days, I suppose.”

The crab threw a disdainful glare at the human. “So you’re a merchant too?”

“You betcha! Allow me to introduce myself,” the other merchant said, returning to his booming and well-placed tone of voice.

In the blink of an eye, the wide smile returned to the traveler’s face as he put his hat back on and stood with his back straight.

“I am Mr. LaTan,” he said with great flair and a peculiar accent. “But you can call me by my first name, Charles, since we are among colleagues here. I am what I’d call a merchant’s merchant. A supplier of supplies.”

“An annoying annoyance?” Balthazar grumbled.

“I provide the finest traders on the land with a stock of vast and unique treasures!” Charles continued, either ignoring or not having noticed the crab’s comment under his own loud presentation. “If you ever came across a precious relic or outstanding item among the wares of a famous merchant, chances are it has passed through my caring hands before.”

“Funny,” the crustacean merchant said, “because I never heard of you.”

“Ah!” LaTan said, wagging a finger in front of the crab before grabbing the straps of his overalls with his thumbs. “But I have heard much about you, which is why I’ve been seeking you out, to introduce myself, so that we may begin a prosperous business partnership.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Balthazar said, turning right to keep moving up the road. “I already have enough business partners.”

“Wait!” exclaimed the man. “None like me, I assure you! My kind of business partnership would be as a supplier of unique wares to enrich your stock.”

The crab stopped and let out a long sigh. “Look, pal, I already get enough junk from adventurers as is. I don’t need some fancy talker pawning off his trash on me.”

“Your words wound me, good sir!” the trader exclaimed with exaggerated outrage. “I am not a supplier of trash. My wares are all of exquisite quality and immensely useful.”

“Sure, sure,” said Balthazar, waving a dismissive claw. “If I ever need to burn a village to the ground, I’ll come seek you out, alright?”

The traveler grabbed the crab’s arm as he walked away, pleading, “Please, won’t you at least give me a chance? A wise merchant should not just walk away from a potential business opportunity without at least checking it.”

Balthazar scowled at the man.

Bah, I’m in a hurry, but he’s hitting me right in the merchant instincts. After weeks on the road, I do miss me a little trading and bartering…

“Fine,” the crustacean said with a scoff. “I’ll give you five minutes, and you’d better not try to scam me. I’ll know.”

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Charles clapped his hands together as he rushed back to the cart with a beaming face. “Great! I won’t regret this!”

“Don’t you mean I won’t regret this?” Balthazar asked.

“That’s what I said!” Mr. LaTan replied, while rummaging through the contents of his cart. “I do believe I have a Tome of Levitation around here somewhere that might interest you…”

“No!” yelled the crab. “Absolutely no Tomes of Levitation!”

“Oh, alright, alright. The client is always right. A flying crab would no doubt be very silly anyway.”

He continued digging through his wares, mumbling to himself, while Balthazar started impatiently tapping a couple of his feet on the ground.

The crab crossed his arms while looking up at the sky, watching the blue and golden spot circling above them, keeping an eye on things.

“Come on, time’s ticking, Charles,” said Balthazar, throwing an eye roll at his goblin assistant, who responded with a sympathetic shrug.

“I know I’ve got it around here somewhere,” the man said, now nearly toppled over the back of his cart. “Perhaps you’d like to browse through my selection of elixirs while I keep looking?”

He peeked back at the crab with an extended arm, holding a small bottle in his hand.

“Let me see that,” Balthazar said as he skittered closer and took the flask. “What’s this?”

“Oh, it’s one of my finest products,” said LaTan. “They are my very exclusive Potions of Hydration.”

“What?!”

“Top selling product right there,” the man continued. “Everybody wants them! You drink one of these, and it completely cures your thirst debuff.”

The crab held the corked glass bottle up between his pincers, examining its contents closely. It was full of a clear and thin liquid that sloshed around as he shook the vial.

“This is water!”

“Well, I… it’s…” Charles stammered. “That’s just a very simplistic way to put it!”

“I live in a pond, I know damn well when I’m looking at water,” the irked merchant said.

“It still does as advertised, though!”

Balthazar tossed the glass container back at the man while shaking his shell. “I knew this was going to be a waste of time.”

“Wait!” exclaimed the other traveler. “I swear this will be worth your time, just wait!”

He shoved a hand between some baskets and retrieved a smooth brown satin bag, tied shut with a thin golden rope.

“One of my most precious wares. I would only share it with a client of the highest order.”

“What is it?” said the unimpressed crustacean. “Your midafternoon snack?”

“No, it is something of incredible value,” said Charles, trying to sound mysterious. “This bag contains an Invisibility Cloak.”

Balthazar scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“I am serious!” said the peddler.

“A Cloak of Invisibility? Right there in that bag? Carried by someone like you, in your cart over there?”

The man paused and blinked before nodding. “Yes.”

“May I see it?” said the crab.

Charles looked down at the satin bag he was holding his hands. “No.”

“Figures!” Balthazar said, throwing his arms up. “Another scam.”

“Well, I mean, it’s an invisible cloak,” said the seller. “How could you see it?”

“And you expect me, or anyone else, to just buy something without inspecting it first? For all I know, the only thing you got in that bag is your dirty laundry!”

“I swear, it’s a genuine Invisibility Cloak. Look!” the man said, quickly undoing the knot keeping the bag closed.

Spreading the opening of the sack, Charles placed it on the ground, displaying its inside. There was a clear volume of folded cloth filling it, but all Balthazar could see within was the brown satin of the bag’s interior.

“Huh…” the crab conceded, cocking an eyestalk at the container.

“Told you it was genuine,” said the now smug seller. “As they say, not seeing is believing. I’m sure you’re much more interested now, and I’m happy to tell you that this wonder can be yours for the low, low price of just 500 crowns!”

“Put it on,” said the shrewd businesscrab.

“I beg your pardon?” Charles said.

“Put the cloak around yourself,” Balthazar insisted.

The peddler’s eyes jumped from the crab to the bag, and then to the crab again.

“I-I mustn’t!” he awkwardly said. “I cannot in good conscience wear an article like this and then sell it to you. It would become a used item, greatly devaluing it!”

Balthazar crossed his arms. “I’m telling you to put the cloak around yourself, not asking you to wear it like a banana hammock.”

“I… but…”

“Go on,” the stubborn crustacean persisted. “If your wares are really all that, put your money where your mouth is and show off your amazing article.”

Mr. LaTan let out a deflated sigh and slowly picked up the piece of transparent cloth from the bag, spreading his arms as he wrapped it around himself.

“Aha!” exclaimed the crab. “I knew it! I can still see you right through it. That’s not an Invisibility Cloak, you idiot, it’s an Invisible Cloak!”

“A minor misunderstanding!” said the fraudster. “I never claimed the cloak would make its wearer invisible!”

“Please, you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that to deceive me.”

The human dropped the cloak back into the bag. “But you cannot deny that it is a very unique item! I’m sure you’ve never seen any like it!”

“And I still haven’t,” Balthazar said casually. “The point is, what use would that be for me or anyone I tried to sell it to? I’m not paying 500 gold for that.”

Charles’s shoulders slumped in defeat as he picked up the bag. “Not even if we negotiate it down to 490?”

The crab rolled his eyestalks, and something up the road caught his attention.

A figure was coming down their way. The gear he wore and the way he carried himself made it clear to Balthazar that the man was an adventurer.

The things I do to make a trade…

“Look, I’ll make you a deal,” he said, turning back to the other merchant. “Hand over that bottle you just showed me before. I’ll show you how you properly sell to adventurers. If I make the deal, you can keep the profit, the lesson, and I get the stupid cloak. If I can’t make that guy over there buy your ‘Potion of Hydration’, I’ll be the one buying it off you, along with the cloak. Sounds good?”

Charles looked at the bag, then at the bottle of water sitting on the edge of his car, and finally back at the crab. “I don’t know…”

Balthazar looked at the man with an intense frown. “Look, we both know you’re never going to get 500 gold out of that useless thing, and what I’m offering you is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn from the best. You said so yourself, you’ve heard about me, so you know how good I must be. This is your chance to witness it first-hand. Take it, or don’t, and I just go on my merry way.”

[The Gift of the Crab: success]

“Fine!” the peddler said, tossing the potion bottle back at the crab. “I never managed to sell a single one of these, so I’d like to see how you’ll pull that off.”

Balthazar turned to the road, where the adventurer was about to cross paths with them.

Flexing his shell, he said, “Watch how a real merchant does it.”