My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

My walk cycle still got some wobbles in it, had to lean a hand across the head of the couch just to keep myself going steady.

Then after couch leaning, it was wall leaning. I think I'm in due need of some crutches, really.

Could have just let Adalia answer the aggravating sledgehammer knocking that still kept going... but I have a feeling that an irate vampire shouldn't really be playing meet and greet.

So, I'll just have to do.

"YO! NO ONE REALLY AIN'T HOME?!"

This guy's voice just gets ten times more annoying the closer you draw yourself to it. I had half a mind to sic Adalia on him myself.

"Just a second!" I yelled back, limping myself forward even faster.

"Aw shit!" The voice exclaimed. "Someone's home, after all! Sweet!"

Times like these I really do wish Mr. Mafioso had installed a peephole at the door. For the life of me I had no idea who the hell could this be.

That didn't stop me from twisting open the lock, though. I really need a face for that voice. That way, it'll be easier when I wanna loathe it in my thoughts.

"Now," I swung open the door wide, cranking my grouchiness to the max. "Just what the hell do you think you're - ?"

Didn't get a face. Instead, I got a phone nearly bashing into my nose - had to lean away just to avoid it.

"Hey, afternoon man! 'Sup?" The phone was pulled away, and what came in its place was an outstretched fistbump. "You good?"

I am become flabbergasted. The confuser of words.

"Come on, don't leave a bro hangin, dude," He said, pumping his fist forward. "Give it here."

Maybe I really should have gone to bed after all...

I looked beyond the phone, and I saw where the eyes should be a pair of stylish-looking sunglasses instead. Then I tried anywhere else, and all I got was more bits of glitz and glamour.

On his wrist, a designer watch. On his fingers, platinum rings. A gold necklace hung loose around his neck. Backwards baseball cap on his head... with a short ponytail swinging wildly at the back. 

It was the ponytail that finally lit a bulb glowing bright in my head. More on that later though, 'cause his attire really was something else to behold.

His goddamn jeans were more holes than fabric, thought he was wearing a fishnet at first glance until I did a double take. Then there was his shirt, two sizes too big, and it looks as if the designer had a mental breakdown midway through making the sketch imprinted on the front.

Something also tells me that maybe the designer and the wearer were also both one and the same.

That's not to mention the bulging green sack he has lugging around his shoulders, complete with the complimentary selfie stick sticking out the zipper.

All in all, he looks like a turtle with a satellite antenna on his shell, going through the weirdest metamorphosis in his life.

Worst part was - I recognize this damn turtle. That dark blue bleached ponytail swinging so daintily narrowed down a guess from between eight billion different people just to a single person.

Before I locked my guess, I took another look at his shirt, and if I squint my eyes looking past all the squiggly lines, I can just barely make out the outline of a logo.

His logo.

Oh boy...

"Tyler, uh..." I paused, it's at the tip of my tongue here. "Tyler Leaden?"

"OOOOHH!"

My ears. My poor ears. Please don't go deaf on me just yet, I still need you.

Tyler lips got stuck making that 'O' with his eyes staring wide enough behind his glasses to almost bulge out.

"Poggers dude, let's go!" That fistbump he had out turned into a fistpump raised high in the air. "You a Leadener too?"

No, but I really do wanna put some lead in my mouth right now.

Tyler spun around, turning the phone at an angle to face he and I.

"We got one of us in this town!" He cheered to the camera. "What are the chances, right?!"

Looked at him, looked at his phone, saw the amount of hearts and likes swaying across his screen, and blew a sigh...

Of course, he was livestreaming right now...

"You watch the latest video, dude?" He asked, twirlng both him and his phone back around towards me.

"Not really..." I muttered. "I saw your Sludge story though. Really... uh, really inspiring stuff."

He smacked a hand at his chest, staring at me with unsettlingly amounts of earnest. "Aww, your words warm my heart, man. You got a favourite part?"

22K viewers watching, and I rather not have a lynch mob on me in the middle of my recovery so wisest choice here was to indulge him, I suppose.

"Uh... when you save that kid from a blocked car," I shrugged, trying to get some fervor in my tone. "So heroic."

He whoop-ed. Who the fuck whoops nowadays?

"Got a second favourite?" He asked, eyes glittering so enthused.

Its a good thing I watched the entire video.

"When you figured out the Sludge can be erased by rain," I nodded, forcing a smile. "Ingenious, actually..."

"Hey man, don't misunderstand... I didn't get the Sludge out myself," He chortled. "Just put a theory out there, just glad it's correct, yeah?"

"Yeah," It was so damn hard stopping my eyes from rolling. "Thank God."

Lucky his perception was just as good as his fashion sense.

"Hey man, you know, you seem like a nice guy," He said, placing his bling-enamored fingers on my shoulder. "Ey yo, got a channel? Can give you a shout out if you want."

Another twirl again, and once more, I found myself staring at the both of us on the display of his phone, this time, with two of his fingers in a peace sign.

"Now's your chance, man," He told me. "Just say it to the camera, and get ready to explode overnight."

Something's gonna explode, alright...

I breathed in deep, politely unlatching his fingers from my shoulder. "I'm sorry, you need something?"

For what convoluted reason would a internet star be pounding on my door, out of all the front doors in the world, on a perfectly good afternoon day?

Whoever's authoring the journey of my life, please kindly stop with your bullshit. You're clearly grasping at straws now.

"Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, almost forgot," He went back to standing in front of me. "I need a place to crash."

Fucking...

"Excuse me?"

"Its for a challenge video!" He exclaimed, giving a wide toothy-smile that I did not return. "Remember my twenty-four hours locked in a walk-in freezer challenge?"

"No."

"Well, I'm doing another one! I call it "One week in stangers' homes'! It's gonna be freaking lit, I tell you."

"Why...?" I can't believe I have to ask that.

"Two birds, one stone," Tyler explained. "Came to your town here, cause as you know, I'm gonna uncover for myself the origin of the Sludge. Its gonna be a documentary style video, gonna interview some folks... see the sights... its gonna be so amazing."

"Hotel rooms," I said, pointing out to the road. "They exist. Forty bucks a night if you go get the motel near the burger place."

"Nah, that'll ruin the point of the challenge! Like I said two birds, man! While I'm at it, I figured I might as well also get the challenge done. And you just ended up being our lucky stranger number one!"

I'm honored.

"Why my house?" I asked.

He shrugged, snorted. "Big house."

Should have guessed.

"So what do you say, fam?" A fistbump up again. "Tyler Leaden. Under your roof. Twenty-four hours. Sounds pretty good to me, man."

"Sounds like a dream, alright," I stepped back a bit, holding the door handle firm in my grip. "Doesn't really sound like a good one though, so…" 

If I thought getting rid of him was easy as just slamming on the door on his face, I was sorely mistaken. The door got stuck - bastard wedged his foot between the doorway… look at that, Nike sneakers... the man's seriously got money to splurge.

"Aw come on, don't be that way, my guy," He said, poking his smile through the slit. "You didn't even hear me out finish yet!"

"Do I really have to?" I said, hoping me repeatedly slamming the door on his foot would be enough of a telling that he was unwelcome.

Apparently those expensive glasses of his must be blocking out social cues too. He still kept his shoe jammed.

"Thought you were Leadener, man!" He called out, pushing back. 

Never said I was, but okay. 

"Did you forget how this goes?" He continued. "There's something in it for you to, you know?" 

I stopped slamming, slowly opening the door wide once more to his still grinning face. 

"Is there?" I asked, eyebrows raised.

"Customary!" Tyler piped up. "All my challenges aren't just for entertainment, it's also a chance to give back to my devoted fans, know what I'm saying?" 

He then blew a kiss and a wink at the camera, and I died a little inside. 

"Anyway, right," He spun back to me. "For this challenge, I'm giving away 50K to the lucky stranger who can offer me the most entertaining twenty-four hours of my life for the week I'm staying in this town. So yeah dude, If you let me in, and if you raise that bar high enough… you might just get yourself fifty-thousand dollars richer by the end of the week."

Fifty-thousand dollars… twenty-four hours… entertain him…

I don't know about you people… but this just sounds like easy money to me. If he really knew just how my daily twenty-four hours really were, he'll be drowning me in money every week.

Sadly, it was not my secret to tell. So…

"Alright, then," I swung the door wide, and stepped myself aside. "Make yourself right at home."

Just can't resist, can I?