My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

Hour in playing hospice with a famous social influencer under my roof, and I'd think I'm well-suited enough to give my thoughts on the entire ordeal here. I mean I did the math, wrote the equations, double checked the results, mulled it over while stroking my metaphoric beard a bit, and so yeah, my findings?

Tyler was a toddler inside the body of a full-grown man. I'm actually half convinced his entire body was just a jumpsuit, and if I find the damn zipper I'll prove that there's a little baby in there with a steering wheel and some gears.

Then again, I think a baby would actually be much more tolerable. So… maybe I got a formula wrong somewhere along the line. Maybe I need to stroke my beard more.

It's just… you think a man with a damn camera wouldn't be able to put up much of a damn racket, but no, he talks to the damn thing every second of every minute like he's goddamn schizophrenic - why do I keep saying 'damn'?! 

I blame you Tyler! You and your 60k likes milestone… 

Smash that like button… click that bell… oh, I'll hit you with a damn bell, you damn - 

"Kay, that's the whole video!" He proclaimed, clasping the camera shut and tossing it to the wayside that was his wide open backpack. "For now, at least… nothing really to record 'round here."

Dunno if I just became a grouchy middle aged git, hopelessly sighing at the utter hopelessness of what this generation is coming to, but I was immensely glad that I was not him.

Then again, I got conned, sliced, diced, maimed, smashed, died, then nearly died, fuck the year wasn't even over yet, looking back at it… who's really the loser here?

"Say big guy," Tyler came up, prying my eyes from my phone surfing. "Don't wanna get lost in your crib, can you point me to the toilet?" 

Seriously, I can't even be bothered.

"Here, suppose to entertain you, right?" I said, returning my sullen eyes to the display. "There's a challenge for you - call it the 'finding a stranger's bathroom before I burst my kidneys challenge' I'm sure your subscribers will love that." 

"It's uh… number two, actually."

"Then change the title to your appendix," I said, continuing to swipe away. "Can even put a 'gone wrong' in the end if you end up not finding it. Mind you though, you're cleaning up."

Anybody else and I'd be labelled the worst host this side of the state, but in Tyler's eyes - is that really the case when they're sparkling like gems?

"Alright, alright, I see you," He said, stepping back with a nod, the camera back, strapped, and ready to shoot. "Challenge accepted. Off I go!"

Off he goes, indeed… up the steps to the next floor up. I wanna ask, who picks up the upstairs as their prime route for toilet hotspots? Tyler, you're a special kind of special, aren't you?

With him gone, it's like I can breathe easy again… you can actually feel the non-Tyler particles in the air, and boy do they feel good. I turned to Adalia right across from me to see how well she was faring this past hour in new company.

When I looked, what I saw… Adalia still had the cup of chocolate Tyler brewed for her in her hands, and by the looks of it, she's barely even taken any more than a sip of it.

"Don't like it?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Don't like it..." She parroted quietly, glumly shaking her head at the bits of chocolate powder drifting atop that had still yet to dissolve. "It's not… like yours…" 

"Then why are you still holding onto it?"

Adalia raised her eyes, and looked towards the empty sofa chair where Tyler's backpack sat all alone, it's owner nowhere in sight. "I was… being… nice…"

How nice.

"Would you like some of mine, then?"

The precise moment the words left my lips, those magic words, her vacant expression became not so vacant no more.

"Yours…" She said as if not believing her ears. "Really...?"

"Why not?" 

"Your hand...." As fast as it had gone, that vacantness came back. "No… never mind… you shouldn't… be walking… instructions..."

Guilt was gnawing at her good. I'm over it now, but she's feeling terrible… not that I can blame her. We gotta sort this out, otherwise it'll just keep happening. I need to show her that it's no big deal.

And only one way to do that.

I stood from my seat, walked up to her, and with my wounded hand, plucked the mug from her clutches. Wearing that 'be-back-soon' smile, I bid her adieu with a wave as I disappeared into the realm of marble countertops and high-rise wooden cabinets to heroically brew a fair maiden her elixir of life.

Wait, no, that'll be my blood...

Her SECOND elixir of life, yes. 

It's been a while since I put my alchemy skills to the test, hope I ain't too rusty. As to why I was walking no problem, I ain't entirely too sure myself… the last few days had me completely bedridden after doing those rigorous exercise routines, what changed today?

Tyler was that change today. 

Stimulation… maybe boredom played a role, and now that I wasn't bored… my body wasn't feeling as lethargic. Guess Tyler was that stinky bitter medicine that'll supposedly make you better even though you swear it'll kill you if it even touches the tip of your tongue.

I hate those kinds of medicine…

Still a bit sluggish however, nearly toppled a few things reaching for a new mug, finger still quivered trying to press buttons… so it's not 100% effective, thank goodness. 

Wouldn't want to start mass-producing Tylers as placebos, after all.

Wait - is that why they're called Tylenol? Holy Fuc - 

Suddenly, as I was hyper-focus getting the amount of powder just right, a buzzing in my pant-pocket had me breaking that concentration, and since it also didn't buzzing… I knew it was a phone call.

Irene? Finally? News? Something??

"Amanda…" 

I could hear the disappointment in my voice as I stared at the caller ID. Was really hoping for something there. Oh well, that wasn't a good reason to ignore her though, I still answered anyway.

"You calling to check up on my meals?" I greeted her, multitasking a phone in one hand, and a cup in the other. "'Cause Adalia cooked just fine. You taught her well, Sensei."

"Eggs, sausages," Heard a static-ey scoff on the other end. "A five year old couldn't screw that up. It's like making chocolate milk, who the heck can mess that up?" 

"Oh, you'd be surprised…"

"Anyway um, I'm calling cause I think I left my brush at your place when I came over yesterday. I can't find it at home, and it's kinda important… my mom gave that to me."

"Does your mom give everything to you?" I asked.

"Mother's daughter," She spoke so tender. "We're close."

Yeah, me too. I think.

"So why do you think it's here?" Then at the thought of it, I chuckled. "Actually, why would you even bring it here?"

The voice on the other end snapped back. "You called me over early morning, begging for breakfast - I didn't even have time to brush my hair. Got more questions?" 

"Nope," That put me in my place. "Fair enough." 

Amadan softened her tone again. "So I'm on my way over now, just thought I'd give you a heads up first." 

Oh yeah, speaking of heads up, "Got a heads up for you too, I actually got a guest over for the day. One advice - tread with caution, alright?"

"Hold on - a guest?" I could actually hear her breath stiffening at once, and when she next spoke again, it kinda felt like she was channeling Irene with how harsh she sounded. "Oh, wait, don't you tell me, let me guess… mmm, it's another girl, isn't it? It has to be, it always is."

From up above a far distance, I could hear Tyler in a stomping rampage, hollering and shrieking at his camera in the name of 'content'. 

"If that's the case, then she's gotta be the ugliest boyish looking girl I've ever seen then."

It was quiet on her end all the sudden.

"Amanda?"

"A guy," From the other end again, quietly, a sigh of relief. "Thank God…" 

Shit, I thought she just keeled over on the steering wheel from a heart-attack. Don't scare me like that.

"Why you thanking God?" I asked. "You wouldn't be thanking him if you were in my shoes, trust me."

"Ah, it's nothing…" Now she's sounding awfully cheery about it. "Just felt like thanking him, is all. Just left church, you see."

Kitchen had a calendar pinned onto the fridge. Coincidentally, I was also staring right at it. 

"It's Wednesday, Amanda," I said.

"Anyway, reaching a busy intersection now," She said, completely sidestepping it. "See you in a bit, bye." 

Before I could even get another word in, I was already listening to the hum of the dial tone.

That was… bizarre.

Ah well, chocolate cup for the chocolate-loving Matriarch all done. Best not keep her waiting when she's thirsty. 

I've seen her thirsty before.

You won't like her when she's thirsty...